8.27.2017

dear girl with anxiety (letters to myself)

you spent the last 30 minutes curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor. that's my go-to place when anxiety comes to visit too. i wish i had pixie dust or a magic phrase to give you that would ease your mind, but i haven't found any just yet. i'll let you know if i do.

i know you do a good job projecting a real put-together image to the outside world.. and sure, most of the time that image is truer than not.. at least you think so.. maybe.. sometimes.. but the other times? the other times, the darkness comes in waves. and i don't mean waves from a kiddie pool that lap at your ankles. i mean waves as high as mountains, coming and coming and coming and coming.. leaving you unable to catch your breath in between.

the waves are suffocating. but you keep them below the surface because you think that's what you should do, because that's what people do.. right? they sweep hard and heavy things under the rug, pretend everything is peachy, tell everyone it's fine. i'm fine. we're fine.

but you're not fine, not really. i've seen the panic attacks and how tightly your arms wrap around you like they're trying to keep you from physically falling apart. i've heard the voices inside your head yelling things you can't drown out. like how you're a loser. a failure. a burden. unwanted. unworthy. ugly. annoying. broken. i've seen you sit and suffer in silence because you're afraid reaching out will leave you even worse off. and because you've convinced yourself that no one would pick up if you called.

i don't even know the point of this letter, because i don't know how to make you better, dear girl. but i guess, for what it's worth, i see you. i see you and i love you.

but more than just me, god sees you. god loves you. god knows you better than you know yourself and he does not call you any of the things that you or others call yourself.

he doesn't see those things when he looks at you. instead of your sins, flaws, and weaknesses.. he sees his blood, his grace, and his strength. i think he picked you because he knew how awesome his perfection would look against your humanity.

dear girl, i wish you could see yourself through his eyes. i know he made you for incredible things and i know you can't always see them right now.. but i know you know what he's told you.

don't lose sight of what he promised you. what god has ordained for you is for you and it will come when he says. it's no coincidence that the moment you stopped running and said yes to god's calling and purpose for your life, your anxiety seemingly started taking steroids.

don't let your mind and the devil intimidate you into settling for mediocre when god has proclaimed excellence over your life time and time again.

god is bigger than your mind.
god is bigger than the devil.
god is bigger than your anxiety.

cling to him as the waves start to roll and trust him to calm the storm.
trust that he will complete the work he has started in you.

8.04.2017

to know and be known by him

I hope my life speaks to my love of Christ.
I hope goodness and mercy follow after me and flow from me.
I hope the signs mentioned in Mark 16 are present in my life: speaking with new tongues, laying hands on the sick and seeing them be healed, etc.
But more important than all of that, I hope I know God and I hope He knows me.
We can be so close to the church and even identify as a Christian but be far from Him.. So focused on doing work for God that we forget to know God.
Lots of people were near Jesus in the crowd, but the woman with the issue of blood was the only one that touched Him.
If I busy myself with the work of God, but neglect my relationship with him.. I've missed the point. If my biggest concern is making myself known, I've missed the point.
In a world full of people seeking to know and be known by others, may we seek to know and be known by Jesus.
 
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